And despite everything, I think believe in people.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

She asks THE question:

It brings up this question: In a day and age with no Little Yellow Birds and no Expectations of behavior, do I continue to try and instill these old-fashioned values in my kids, or do I throw in the towel and give them a fighting chance amongst peers who have no respect for others, much less, themselves?

And this brings me to a topic that is eating at me since some time now (since it happened, actually). Here is the story [rant on]:

I have the same problem. Here is our personal conundrum:

We have 5 sets of direct neighbors (as we are in the middle of a settling). One family has one kid, Mark, who is 4. The other family has two kids. Their smallest, Alice, 5, plays with Mark. Their older boy, Peter, 8, plays, well, not with many kids, it seems. (Btw, I changed the names. They’re not their real names).

I cannot say I initially disliked them. They are very different than we are, rather uptight and closed. But I remained friendly and did all the necessary neighbor stuff: Invited them to garden parties, wrote them Christmas cards, gave them an Easter basket and so on (although none of this was ever reciprocated, but these are things I do not measure, so I don’t care).

The kids are EXTREMELY well behaved. As far as mute counts as well behaved. You seldom hear them talk at all, and surely not in the presence of adults. But. I am continuously finding out they are… mean. Just evil. I mean it.

So one day they had guests, and kids were playing in the garden. Joshua stood right next to them at the hedge and asked if he could come play. He was ignored. So he asked again, and the girl said: “You? No, why would we let YOU play along?” In THAT tone.

OK, kids do that sometimes. But: In this case, the parents saw and heard it all and did nothing. When Mark, the little one of the other neighbors, who also was in their garden, called for Joshua to come, they even called him back and berated him.

So Joshua ended up crying, standing next to the fence and crying and they did nothing. Said nothing.

I did nothing, either, at least not in that moment, because if I had intervened, I had killed someone. Or everybody. Oh my God, I was so furious.

The next day, I heard Alice say to the other neighbor’s boy: “Why should we play with him? He does not even have a swingset, just a boring see-saw. He has nothing fancy!”

The thing is, little Mark LIKES to play with Joshua and comes over, or Joshua goes there, but only when Alice is NOT around. When she is around, he completely adapts her behavior.

Some time later, when we built up the trampolin (which we had bought beforehand, just to clarify, btw.), whoops – there they were, wanting to jump.

So what do I do?

I decide that I am not like them, and let the kids jump, and give them ice cream. I briefly talked to Alice, though, when she came and wanted to jump, and said: “Do you recall how you did not want Joshua to play? That was not very nice. But we want to be nice to each other, so you can come and jump.”

And I take time and effort to explain to Joshua why we let them, because he asks me: “Why do we let them play here, they only come because of the trampolin, they don’t like me at all.” Which is, of course, totally correct.

I tell them that some people make more of an effort to be nice than others, and that I would prefer to be one of those people, and that sharing and friendliness is important in our family and home, and that we will therefore share and be friendly, even if they don’t and are not.

He accepts this. He also continues to play with Mark, although he often drops comments like “Neiner, neiner, you don’t have anything fancy.” (I mean, the boy is four, he imitates Alice, who is older and, it seems, positively deceiving). Mark is not a bad kid. But he is totally under Alice’s influence.

So these incidents happen more and more often. Joshua is not allowed to play with Alice and Peter. At all. Even Mark is more and more hostile.

What the HELL do I do? It really hurts to see them treat him like that, and I cannot really continue to explain this to him in any sensitive way, it seems. I tried to bring it up with the neighbors, but all I get is very polite nothingness. OK, I was not totally blunt about it yet (“Why are your kids behaving in such a mean and nasty way?”), because I have a feeling this will lead to nothing at all.

Do I continue to tell my son that we want to be good people, and be friendly and forgiving? I feel that I want to be this way, at least towards the kids. They, too, just imitate their parents’ uptight, narrow-minded, nasty behavior. It’s not really their fault.

But can I extend that to my kid and expect the same from him? What will it gain him? He’s got a huge heart and is quite empathic, but what will this gain him? Being the one who is always bullied? Should I rather tell him to fight back? And if I do, how do you fight back perfidy? If already a five year old girl knows how to talk mean behind someone’s back?

I cannot begin to guess how nasty people can be.

I told Joshua, for now, that there always will be those people who will try to make a difference in their lives, people who want to make the world a better place,  and those people who don’t care, who only think about themselves, and who poison the world with that bit by bit.

He nodded sagely and said: “OK, and isn’t it great that there are so many more people who care and want to be good?”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I did not believe that anymore.

Behold: Fluffballs!

Jocke is the one with the black ears, Svente with the brown ears. And whoever guesses where the names come from gets a cookie. Worthians don’t count, they were told already.

I remember how my husband and I toasted each other, praying: “May the next year be better than the last. May it finally be better.”

It never was, not really. And I came to the conclusion that this, probably, is life. That there is no such thing as unfettered love and happiness. Who am I to know? Perhaps it exists for some, but if it does, I doubt it does for me. I write this without bitterness or sorrow. My life just is not easy. It never was, and I become accustomed to it. I love too much, too passionately, I take my decisions from the depth of my heart, and when I leap, I never look back. It is what I am, and it makes my life one of tough choices and deep emotions. I don’t regret it, and why should I?

I just have to accept the fact that this simple, quiet happiness that some people are blessed to live is not for me. Nor for my family.

Still – may 2009 be a better year. The last year ended with some of those tough choices, but now, they are made. And I will watch them bear fruit in 2009. May God grant us the fruits will be sweet, at least some of them.

We will move house somewhen in March. It is thrilling and exiting, scary and wonderful all at once. We signed the contract some weeks ago, and I hope it will not ruin us financially. But we will be free, and it makes me happy. Throughout the whole affair, we were blessed by the support of dear friends. Friends. One of the few save havens, one of the few constants in my life. And apart from my child, the thing that makes me most grateful in this world.

Everything changes. Even love does. But as long as it guides us, we can breathe, and live, and carry on.

Happy New Year, my friends.

I am sorry that my Audio Autumn did not last longer. There is so much more music to share. But major changes occured in my life. I will let you in on all of them, comes time. Promised.

I’ll also dive into another project soon, in January. Chances are good that it will be photos again, the Worth photogs are preparing for another 30-days-challenge.

So stay tuned. Things will happen.

Try to be true to yourself. Love matters.

Xmas wishes 2008

Go Green Poster

I made this (shot and concept) for a Go Green Posters contest at Worth1000. I thought it would be an appropriate way to wrap up the Flora and Fauna September, which has been enjoyable for me – and I hope, also for you.

Stay tuned for the next project.

Paula

Prettiest, sweetest puppywuv in the world. She’s mine (although my son would discuss this and claim her, but truly, she’s mine!)

I did not blog.

And I hereby apologize. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. As a reconsiliation, you get the latest family picture. The three of us at Christmas. Aren’t we sweet? Yeah, the li’ll one makes faces, he always does that for the camera. *rolleyes*

So what happened? Well, I took another job. Or the job took me. It was more or less a coincidence. I went out with a friend, and while we were chatting over a beer, she mentioned how desperately they look for people in their office. People to do customer liaison and support. I was big-mouthed as ever and said “Nothing I couldn’t do”. And she said: “OK, see you on Monday”. (It was on a Saturday).

Since then, I’m there. It started as three times a week for 2 hours, now it’s daily from 8 to noon. And I gotta say I like it.

The drawback is – I already had a job. You might recall I was working for a private English school, giving lessons to children, a job I thoroughly enjoy and love. Right now, I am working double: Office in the mornings, school in the afternoon, preparing lessons and doing the conceptual planning for the school.

It’s just too much. Joshua is not taking it easily, he’s throwing tantrums at least five times a day. And I am exhausting myself. I gotta decide. Deadline I set myself is March.

So this is the news. I promise I’ll try to update more often again, but time is sparse these days, really. I just barely find time for producing art, and art is as important as breathing for me.

So I’ll hang in there, and you guys will, too, until I’ve got more time for you again, ok?

Q: What do you consider a successful (or good) day?

I have pondered this far too long now, and procrastinated the question over and over again. I tried to go back to these “perfect days” in my memory and find a pattern. And really, there is none.

So I can just tell ingredients which seem to be good for a good day. Talking to people I love is included. Not just the usual every day chatter, but a real talk.

Art always makes a day good. Creating art is even better. Good weather, good sex or other good things are surely helpful. But they’re not IT.

You know what? I’ll tell you two of my fondest memories to make you understand what I mean.

First one: I was still in my late teens, 20 perhaps, and it had been a bad day so far. I suffered some kind of puberty depression thing, and I went where you go in such a case: I went to see my best friend (and yes, that was chrome back then already, too). He lived on his own already then and had a real small room in an attic. I don’t remember why I was sad, just remember that I was, and I knocked on his door. I remember the rest very clearly. He opened, took on short look, and said something along the lines of “oh damn”. Let me in, tucked me away on his bed with a drink and lit a cigarette for me. We just sat there for a while. I did not feel like talking, and I did not need to.

He eventually put on some music and went back to his desk, where he had been drawing something (remember he was into airbrush stuff at the time). We spent the evening like that, I was just snuggling on the bed, listening to music, he was at the desk drawing. We had a cigarette together once in a while, or talked of insubstantial stuff, or I looked at the picture he was making and tell him my opinion. He made me smile.

It was a perfect evening. I felt… safe. I knew nothing would get at me there in that little attic, with my best friend being close. I still feel that way when he’s around. Just missing the attic sometimes.

The second memory is from school days, too. Another friend and me skipped some lessons (erm yes, we did that once in a while. Ahem. Don’t do that, kids, truancy is bad. Or, well it’s bad if your grades are not good. Ours were good enough. ).

Philipp was a great piano player, having had lessons since he was a kid. We stole into one of the music rooms, where they had a piano. I sat down on the windowsill and watched the schoolyard, he sat down to play.  “What do you think, could I put into music who you are?” he asked me. Then he tried. He captured my mood and my, well, essence in what he played for the next hour. It was a magical moment. I remember the sunrays pouring in through the blinds, drawing strange, warm designs on the floor, on the piano, on his hair while he played. We weren’t dating or some such, none of us was interested in the other, but at that moment, I was very much in love with him.

So what makes for such perfect moments, or days? It’s probably the small things. What both incidents have in common is the feeling of peace and safety about them, of no one expecting anything from the other, of a deep exchange without pressure or the usual human complicated emotions shat. A feeling of being at home and at ease in that very moment.